Why People Cheat Part 2

A study was conducted on sexuality with 100,000 women in the Redbook which is Johnson Redbook Service; which has been the recognized leading publisher of tracking statistics and independent analysis on the U.S.. The study revealed that extramarital sex was recorded that 48 percent of women whose initial sexual experience happened at age fifteen. That data was contrary with 16 percent of women whose first sexual experience occurred after age twenty (www.affairrecovery.com, 2019).

Based on this study it could suggest a variety of issues relating to infidelity. There is a probability that the statistics show that those that participate in pre-material sex at an earlier age also lead to more permissive sex prior to marriage.  This study further suggests having a high number of sexual partners before ever getting married develop a peculiar view and way of thinking. With these individuals with such high number of sexual experience and partners, this could suggest a type of belief system that does not cautiously validate sexual exclusivity.

One issue with such early contact with sexual behavior and a life style of sexual promiscuity is it can disrupt connecting to others.  Meaning, when people experienced sex too early they can run the risk of missing the learning skills of connecting to others beyond just sex. In other words, early sexual contact and permissive sexual behavior and damage your natural development to connect to others in a healthy way.

Lastly, this study makes and interesting point about permissive sexual behavior at and early age. Some individuals that may have experience this could suffer with negative identity messages. The individual could develop the psychological thought that their sexuality has become their belief system and of value above all qualities they possess.  This type of thinking can develop a craving for validation through attention from others. When this happens, a single person could never get to the place where they provide all the needed validation. Because of those experiences without healthy connections and relationships that person will develop the type of thinking that says to themselves an affair partner provides this validation.

What are a few take a ways from this post:

  1. Changing our thinking and promoting waiting or abstinence in spite of a very sexual culture
  2. Parents need to really think and study on sex and educate their children earlier
  3. Teach our children proper boundaries in relationship
  4. Work on our relationships with a coach or therapist to demonstrate what healthy relationships look like
  5. Be more mindful of the music and movies we expose our children to
  6. Talk and process with our children and teens about what they hear and see on programs and music

 

“Healthy Living Begins with Healthy Thinking”

Joseph Briscoe

Why People Cheat Part 1

Have you been cheated on in a relationship? You met what appears to be this nice man or woman only to find out that in the duration of the relationship their pattern of behavior changed. Or their work schedule as slightly shifted which is not normal. These are just a few examples that lead to the heart-breaking discovery that your partner or spouse is in another relationship with somebody else besides you.

This is an awful, hurtful, and in many cases embarrassing experience for the individual that was cheated on. The initial shock and dis-belief that comes over the individuals who are cheated on. The many thoughts that race through their heads playing back the lies told and the odd moments that they just could not place their finger on why did not feel right about what their partner said or behaved.

After the discovery and emotional circus that the receiving spouse or partner gets through, logic attempts to ease the pain by trying to make since and rationalize the reason for such hurtful and unexpected behavior. Then the question of centuries comes forth like CIA Agents interrogating a foreign terrorist because you have to know. “Why did you do it?” At this point a person in their hurt and emotional state needs to know the motive for this level of betrayal to the relationship.

Coaches Corner identified a resource article and we are going to use this article to discuss early life experiences that may indicate an increased probability to cheat. This will be a 5-part mini- series so make sure you stay locked in to each blog it just may help you avoid or see signs ahead of time before you have this gut wrenching experience many people encounter in relationships.

Unfaithful Fathers

Charles University in Prague conducted a survey with 86 couples under the direction and research guidance of Jan Havlicek.   In Havlicek’s research he found that boys look at their environment to learn what they can and can’t do. What they get rewarded for and what they are not rewarded for. Boys look to the world to discover what is appropriate and what they can get away with. Fathers are the primary source for boys to learn about what is good and ultimately what is bad. If a father or male authority figure was unfaithful and cheating when the boy is young.  Then that increases the probability of that boy growing up and straying outside the home too.

The survey with the 86 couples provided some interesting information regarding this phenomenon of unfaithfulness. In a nut shell most of the time when men cheat it is due to sex. Men that cheat typically want sex, more of it, and with more partners. This is not for them being fed up or tired of their wives. On the other hand, when women stray from relationships when they are extremely dissatisfied with their relationship.

What can we take away from this information?

  1. This data provides grounds for growing couples to ask before marriage a little family history.
  2. Help individuals who cheat understand why they don’t know why they do it.
  3. This can help parents raise their boys with morals and values that encourage loyalty in relationships.

“Healthy Living Begins with Healthy Thinking”

Joseph Briscoe

Life Coach

10 Ways to Improve Your Relationship for Valentine’s Day

It is February and this is the month we celebrate Valentine’s Day.  This has become a western celebration of expressing love and deep caring feelings for those that are near and dear to us. Chocolates, cards, romantic dinners, getaways, and flowers are just a few ways we share love with our partners and spouses on Valentines Day.

Many do not know in light of this rich and loving holiday; it has a history that is not so romantic. Historically, February is a month that the Roman Empire celebrated the decapitation of 3 priest that were very influential with preaching the gospel and converting the lost during this time. Ironically, each priest had the name Valentini or Valentinus during the 3rd century. During this time the persecution of Christians was common and definitely did not go unnoticed by the Roman Emperor, Claudius Gothicus who showed no mercy to any Christian that made too much noise for the Kingdom of God.

By the time the second St. Valentinus was murdered (be-headed) during mid-February which the Romans’ called Lupercalia.  This was a rural masculine cult that indulged in the sacrifices of goats and dogs.  This evolved into a carnival over time where half naked young men would streak through the streets with the skins of the goats and dogs on the young men’s hips like thongs. As this rowdy celebration continued for some time it all came to an end with Pope Gelasius.

As things during mid-February continued to be passed down the ages leading into the 1400s.  An author by the name of Geoffrey Chaucer who wrote, The Canterbury Tales created a writing piece for the February Feast of Valentines to the mating of birds titled, The Parliament of Fouls. From this point of time Shakespeare’s play was another course to peak the interest of being love struck with his production, Ophelia. There was a part in the play where she referred to herself as Hamlet’s Valentine.

So, we see the origin of Valentine’s Day was not as sweet as we make it out to be today.  But today who does not need a little love and passion in their lives for being who they are. Celebrating love is a wonderful thing that is really an act that would benefit throughout the year and not just one day. This year the Coaches Corner would like to share ten ways you to improve or strengthen your relationship so you can live your relationship like it is always Valentine’s Day!

  1. Sexual Compatibility-this does not constitute the amount of sex but the quality of the sexual experience when you connect with your spouse or partner.
  2. Avoid Monotony-doing the same thing gets old. Either spouse at some point will desire change.
  3. Observe and Balance Interest-keeping and interest in the relationship by engaging one another and being flexible to participate in the interest of your partner works wonders for the relationship.
  4. Grow Towards Each Other- when you have been together for some time it is easy to grow apart due to interest and responsibilities. Try to grow together in the direction towards each other. Doing this can deepen the connection with couples.
  5. Unifying and Managing Values-division is the core of break-up and divorce. Work on staying unified on beliefs, morals and standards. This can help keep couples connected through agreement and common values.
  6. Stay Attractive for Your Spouse/Partner-making sure you take care of yourself and look appealing for your partner or spouse. Where colors and outfits you know they like. Stay fit and as much as possible to manage your body that remains appealing to your partner.
  7. Focus on the Relationship/Marriage-we live in a time that demands our time and attention constantly. Work, events, and social media all contribute for the business we encounter daily. This business can be a distraction and creates a wedge between two people if they do not focus on the relationship. Make the relationship a priority. This means be mindful to make time for each other.
  8. Do not place the Kids over Your Spouse-it is different when you are dating because there is a higher decree in relationship when you say I do. When dating you must be understanding to the time a single parent needs to take care of children. But when you say I do you are blending the family together. Even in that situation too much attention to the children can create a serious division within the relationship.
  9. Practice Forgiveness-in relationships there will be times we make mistakes and do things wrong. In order for the relationship to last both parties must practice a forgiveness. Forgiveness strengthens character and allows a couple to grow through tough situations.
  10. Be Flexible with Your Partner/Spouse-if you don’t ever consider their thoughts, ideas, and feelings you can make it difficult for that other person you are in relationship with to be who they are. They can feel stuck and not valued due to your lack of considering of their view on things that are important to them. This instantly creates division and emotional separation within the relationship and over time of the relationship it will not be healthy and at some point, it will end.

So, now we know the history of this lavish gift giving holiday. But we also have some ideas of how to not look for materials to make this annual love celebration in the middle of February. Challenge your-self and see which one you could improve on practicing to enhance your relationship. After all, Valentine’s Day is symbolic for how we should display our love through out the year and regularly towards the ones we love. Do not allow one day to define your relationship. Remember why you chose this person to be a part of your life and if you really love them make sure you let them know frequently not just one day throughout the year.

(This history of this holiday was provided from an article from Smithsonian.com. Lisa Bitel who is a professor of the History and Religion University of South California)

 

“Healthy Living Begins with Healthy Thinking”

Joseph Briscoe

Life Coach

Laws of Attraction

Attraction is an interesting and powerful thing.  Attraction can happen at first sight or eventually sneak up on us.  People can overcome an unwise attraction at first sight. People also have the ability to attract the right person to them as well.

Attraction theory for men suggests that males tend to be drawn to women that elicit markers of youth. For example, men traditionally are attracted to, bright eyes, full lips, clear skin, and symmetrical features, narrow waist, and curvy hips.

Attraction theory for females suggests that women tend to be drawn to physical characteristics that demonstrate good health, able to provide and protect. Broad shoulders with narrow hips, having a deep voice, and a strong jawline.

When talking about attraction we can say what we will not do when it comes to relationships. Consequently, evolution has been influenced by ancient biological demands when it comes to laws of attraction.  However, both men and women are attracted to resources (i.e. career, money, position and titles). Regardless of how much our environment has progressed, advanced and continues to evolve; our mindsets in attraction continues to be derived from ancestral conditions.

A study from the University of California conducted by professor Paul Eastwick suggest that it is more advantageous to be well matched with your partner than to catch the finest looking partner. Dr. Eastwick further states that most couples regardless of sexual orientation tend to be attracted to similar ranges of size type, education, religious beliefs, values, and socio-economic status. Based on our ancient biological demands most people will seek partners that resemble themselves; as it relates to height, weight, and or intelligent levels.

One other law of attraction we can be subject to is Dynamic Attraction which in essence is charisma and magnetism.  Physical attraction is not only relating to the face and the body of your mate.  Dynamic attraction includes how you use what you have regarding your posture, mannerisms, movement and or gestures are forces of nature that can draw you quickly to the partner of your dreams.

What stage are you in as it relates to the laws of attraction? Take this information and improve where you are in your relationship.  Whatever you think you might need to adjust and or modify to improve on do so for the sake of self-development and to sustain and grow your relationship with your partner.

(The information in this blog post is from an article in Psychology Today September edition written by Wendy Paris)

“Healthy Living Begins with Healthy Thinking”

Joseph Briscoe

Life Coach

Letting Go versus Holding On

Happy New Year! We hope you enjoyed bringing in the new year. At Coaches Corner we know this is the time where people desire to make changes and transformations based on new year resolutions.  One thing we were thinking that does not get a lot of attention when the new year turns is baggage and what to let go of and what we may need to hold on to.

Letting Go

Letting go of things can be a liberating feeling and process. Especially if it is something of our past, or a difficult experience or situation.  Letting go can mean finally taking control over a situation that was painful, or of major loss or death of a dear love one. It can be a number of negative situations that cause us to not feel free at some level.

Letting go of a situation such as to stop blaming others or complaining about your life on what is not right and who is not right.  Forgiveness of self and towards others is a way of letting go.  This action is way to free us of things, experiences, and thoughts that over time that weigh us down and keep us from making room for new thoughts and ideas that could be highly beneficial to our overall well being and wellness.

Holding On

A lot of clients that come through our office tend to feel stuck and unable to move forward and not able to advance in life. Unresolved issues, limited underlying beliefs, negative experiences from the past tend to paralyze us.  These thoughts and feelings lead us to often experience feeling held back from living life to the fullest.  Holding on to these thoughts and feelings can have long lasting effects on our health.  Long lasting negative feelings can eventually result in distress and even illness.

Helpful Applications

  1. Getting a coach could support by offering you an alternative point of view.
  2. Coaching support can allow the client to get a chance to take responsibility and feel empowered to overcome the situation.
  3. Visualizing can help you let go of a situation. As you think and imagine a picture it has the probability of manifesting.
  4. Journaling is way to release and let go of thoughts, experiences, and beliefs that stifle your progress in life.
  5. Ask yourself this question, “What would it look like if you were to let go-rather than hold on to this (situation, person, and belief)?”

Try some of these tools to see if it supports your transition. If you are not comfortable definitely seek out a life coach or a therapist to support your transition of letting, go versus what you really need to hold on to.

(Information in this post is derived from Edda Josdottir, Professional Training Coach, Iceland)

“Healthy Living Begins with Healthy Thinking”

Joseph Briscoe

Life Coach

Tendencies with Dating and Courtship

It is the Christmas season, and this is known to be the most joyful time of year for some of us. Traveling to see family, gift giving, and celebrating one another is commonly what this time of year is known to be merry!  But this time is also when singles connect, and divorcees make love connections with new potential partners to share their lives with.

We thought it would be nice to share with our readers some tendencies of dating and courtship.  So that our readers that are deciding to love again will be more aware of the phases of social engagement based on the relationship expert, Alexis Nicole White.

The time frame of each phase is not absolute, but it does generally average about the time frame stated in this blog. So, lets just get right into it!

3-4 Months- we tend to show what we want the person to see which is called our persona. This is not who we really are under pressure and when we are grappling through stress or embarrassment. Your persona is showing people who you want them to see.  This is your representative, an icon or type of image of how you want to be viewed. By 90 days or more this behavior will begin to fade away.

5-6 Months- we tend to let our walls down and loosen up on your persona and begin to show who you are during this time period. Usually, you start really seeing your partner or friend during this time. At this point it is important to ask more questions and cross thoughts to assess what you agree and disagree with another. What is major for you and what you both can agree are minimal. In addition, you begin to decipher feelings and where you feel the relationship stands.

7-9 Months- at this point of the relationship if it makes this far; we determine if we are going to invest in the relationship. Am I going to go all out with him or her in this thing?  Or is this person wasting my time. Most of us have the signs and information we need at this amount of time when dating or courting someone. We tend to ignore what we see or fail to pay attention to what people tell us about themselves. Due to our emotional pain, lack of love and attention, and or stubbornness to what we think we see in others.

This causes many of us to miss this phase which allows you to choose.  You choose to settle in the moment for what you really don’t want. Or long suffer a little and keep your standard so that inevitably you attract the partner you really want and have been wanting to connect with. Most of us will not admit it but most of us don’t know how to pick a partner.  Its OK to use your parents, friends, and at times extended family or co-workers you trust.  Usually another lens in your life can see things quicker and differently than you do.  If your natural supports are overall emotionally healthy and you trust them why not listen to them about what they see in your potential partner or mate?

 

“Healthy Living Begins with Healthy Thinking”

Joseph Briscoe

Life Coach

How to Know When to Break-Up

In general, most of us love relationships and enjoy the act of meeting someone and growing to know each other to the place where it elevates to love. We watch movies, read books, read blogs and materials that help us attract and preserve our relationships. This experience is important to us and is a part of us because we are human.  Relationships and interaction are a serious part of our nature.

However, we seem to let the emotional piece of relationships blind us and keep us from benefiting from healthy and satisfying relationships. We stay in it thinking and hoping things will change or more importantly that person we are in relationship in will some how change. Not!!! There is something in us that is hopeful and determined to see the picture we have in our heads about love and what it should look like in each of our lives.

Sometimes this can only come in our lives when we learn to let go.  That person you are so in love with just may not be good for you even though you love them. Relationships will have challenges which are meant to grow character and expand compatibility. However, when you are stressed, depressed, insecure, and have other negative experiences that routinely keep you from growing as a person. It is time to consider some other options.  So, in this post today we are going to share some signs or red flags that prompt transitioning out of your current relationship.

  • Getting into the relationship for the wrong reasons happens when you really don’t know why or can explain the reason you are spending time with that person. This is a sign of inward issues you maybe hiding behind this person.
  • Lack of identity and self-assurance as an individual is significant. Co-dependent relationship is not healthy. They breed dysfunction and keep individuals from having their own likes, interest, and self-expression.
  • Become lost in roles happens over time when couples, wives, and husbands forget over the years what brought them together. This is when the individuals in the relationship feel unappreciated and are in the relationship but feel like they are alone.
  • Not having a shared vision for success which really is best to address before the relationship gets serious. Definitely before marriage the topics of house hold, chores, and child discipline are just examples of the breakdown in shared vision when couples don’t properly discuss early on in the relationship.
  • Intimacy disappears usually after a period of time when dating or being married for some time. Men generally need sexual receptivity to feel romantic and women on the other hand generally need romance to be sexually receptive.

These are all just a few signs after discussion, coaching, and therapy. If these issues are not corrected or improved, it might be time to make some serious decisions. There are five more signs we will discuss on the next blog post.

 

(This information has come from an assessment of the cases we have noticed in our practice. Coaches Corner does not promote divorce. Consequently, we are advocates for healthy living which eventually breeds healthy thinking)

“Healthy Living Begins with Healthy Thinking”

Joseph Briscoe