10 Ways to Improve Your Relationship for Valentine’s Day

via 10 Ways to Improve Your Relationship for Valentine’s Day

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10 Ways to Improve Your Relationship for Valentine’s Day

It is February and this is the month we celebrate Valentine’s Day.  This has become a western celebration of expressing love and deep caring feelings for those that are near and dear to us. Chocolates, cards, romantic dinners, getaways, and flowers are just a few ways we share love with our partners and spouses on Valentines Day.

Many do not know in light of this rich and loving holiday; it has a history that is not so romantic. Historically, February is a month that the Roman Empire celebrated the decapitation of 3 priest that were very influential with preaching the gospel and converting the lost during this time. Ironically, each priest had the name Valentini or Valentinus during the 3rd century. During this time the persecution of Christians was common and definitely did not go unnoticed by the Roman Emperor, Claudius Gothicus who showed no mercy to any Christian that made too much noise for the Kingdom of God.

By the time the second St. Valentinus was murdered (be-headed) during mid-February which the Romans’ called Lupercalia.  This was a rural masculine cult that indulged in the sacrifices of goats and dogs.  This evolved into a carnival over time where half naked young men would streak through the streets with the skins of the goats and dogs on the young men’s hips like thongs. As this rowdy celebration continued for some time it all came to an end with Pope Gelasius.

As things during mid-February continued to be passed down the ages leading into the 1400s.  An author by the name of Geoffrey Chaucer who wrote, The Canterbury Tales created a writing piece for the February Feast of Valentines to the mating of birds titled, The Parliament of Fouls. From this point of time Shakespeare’s play was another course to peak the interest of being love struck with his production, Ophelia. There was a part in the play where she referred to herself as Hamlet’s Valentine.

So, we see the origin of Valentine’s Day was not as sweet as we make it out to be today.  But today who does not need a little love and passion in their lives for being who they are. Celebrating love is a wonderful thing that is really an act that would benefit throughout the year and not just one day. This year the Coaches Corner would like to share ten ways you to improve or strengthen your relationship so you can live your relationship like it is always Valentine’s Day!

  1. Sexual Compatibility-this does not constitute the amount of sex but the quality of the sexual experience when you connect with your spouse or partner.
  2. Avoid Monotony-doing the same thing gets old. Either spouse at some point will desire change.
  3. Observe and Balance Interest-keeping and interest in the relationship by engaging one another and being flexible to participate in the interest of your partner works wonders for the relationship.
  4. Grow Towards Each Other- when you have been together for some time it is easy to grow apart due to interest and responsibilities. Try to grow together in the direction towards each other. Doing this can deepen the connection with couples.
  5. Unifying and Managing Values-division is the core of break-up and divorce. Work on staying unified on beliefs, morals and standards. This can help keep couples connected through agreement and common values.
  6. Stay Attractive for Your Spouse/Partner-making sure you take care of yourself and look appealing for your partner or spouse. Where colors and outfits you know they like. Stay fit and as much as possible to manage your body that remains appealing to your partner.
  7. Focus on the Relationship/Marriage-we live in a time that demands our time and attention constantly. Work, events, and social media all contribute for the business we encounter daily. This business can be a distraction and creates a wedge between two people if they do not focus on the relationship. Make the relationship a priority. This means be mindful to make time for each other.
  8. Do not place the Kids over Your Spouse-it is different when you are dating because there is a higher decree in relationship when you say I do. When dating you must be understanding to the time a single parent needs to take care of children. But when you say I do you are blending the family together. Even in that situation too much attention to the children can create a serious division within the relationship.
  9. Practice Forgiveness-in relationships there will be times we make mistakes and do things wrong. In order for the relationship to last both parties must practice a forgiveness. Forgiveness strengthens character and allows a couple to grow through tough situations.
  10. Be Flexible with Your Partner/Spouse-if you don’t ever consider their thoughts, ideas, and feelings you can make it difficult for that other person you are in relationship with to be who they are. They can feel stuck and not valued due to your lack of considering of their view on things that are important to them. This instantly creates division and emotional separation within the relationship and over time of the relationship it will not be healthy and at some point, it will end.

So, now we know the history of this lavish gift giving holiday. But we also have some ideas of how to not look for materials to make this annual love celebration in the middle of February. Challenge your-self and see which one you could improve on practicing to enhance your relationship. After all, Valentine’s Day is symbolic for how we should display our love through out the year and regularly towards the ones we love. Do not allow one day to define your relationship. Remember why you chose this person to be a part of your life and if you really love them make sure you let them know frequently not just one day throughout the year.

(This history of this holiday was provided from an article from Smithsonian.com. Lisa Bitel who is a professor of the History and Religion University of South California)

 

“Healthy Living Begins with Healthy Thinking”

Joseph Briscoe

Life Coach

Laws of Attraction

Attraction is an interesting and powerful thing.  Attraction can happen at first sight or eventually sneak up on us.  People can overcome an unwise attraction at first sight. People also have the ability to attract the right person to them as well.

Attraction theory for men suggests that males tend to be drawn to women that elicit markers of youth. For example, men traditionally are attracted to, bright eyes, full lips, clear skin, and symmetrical features, narrow waist, and curvy hips.

Attraction theory for females suggests that women tend to be drawn to physical characteristics that demonstrate good health, able to provide and protect. Broad shoulders with narrow hips, having a deep voice, and a strong jawline.

When talking about attraction we can say what we will not do when it comes to relationships. Consequently, evolution has been influenced by ancient biological demands when it comes to laws of attraction.  However, both men and women are attracted to resources (i.e. career, money, position and titles). Regardless of how much our environment has progressed, advanced and continues to evolve; our mindsets in attraction continues to be derived from ancestral conditions.

A study from the University of California conducted by professor Paul Eastwick suggest that it is more advantageous to be well matched with your partner than to catch the finest looking partner. Dr. Eastwick further states that most couples regardless of sexual orientation tend to be attracted to similar ranges of size type, education, religious beliefs, values, and socio-economic status. Based on our ancient biological demands most people will seek partners that resemble themselves; as it relates to height, weight, and or intelligent levels.

One other law of attraction we can be subject to is Dynamic Attraction which in essence is charisma and magnetism.  Physical attraction is not only relating to the face and the body of your mate.  Dynamic attraction includes how you use what you have regarding your posture, mannerisms, movement and or gestures are forces of nature that can draw you quickly to the partner of your dreams.

What stage are you in as it relates to the laws of attraction? Take this information and improve where you are in your relationship.  Whatever you think you might need to adjust and or modify to improve on do so for the sake of self-development and to sustain and grow your relationship with your partner.

(The information in this blog post is from an article in Psychology Today September edition written by Wendy Paris)

“Healthy Living Begins with Healthy Thinking”

Joseph Briscoe

Life Coach

Letting Go versus Holding On

Happy New Year! We hope you enjoyed bringing in the new year. At Coaches Corner we know this is the time where people desire to make changes and transformations based on new year resolutions.  One thing we were thinking that does not get a lot of attention when the new year turns is baggage and what to let go of and what we may need to hold on to.

Letting Go

Letting go of things can be a liberating feeling and process. Especially if it is something of our past, or a difficult experience or situation.  Letting go can mean finally taking control over a situation that was painful, or of major loss or death of a dear love one. It can be a number of negative situations that cause us to not feel free at some level.

Letting go of a situation such as to stop blaming others or complaining about your life on what is not right and who is not right.  Forgiveness of self and towards others is a way of letting go.  This action is way to free us of things, experiences, and thoughts that over time that weigh us down and keep us from making room for new thoughts and ideas that could be highly beneficial to our overall well being and wellness.

Holding On

A lot of clients that come through our office tend to feel stuck and unable to move forward and not able to advance in life. Unresolved issues, limited underlying beliefs, negative experiences from the past tend to paralyze us.  These thoughts and feelings lead us to often experience feeling held back from living life to the fullest.  Holding on to these thoughts and feelings can have long lasting effects on our health.  Long lasting negative feelings can eventually result in distress and even illness.

Helpful Applications

  1. Getting a coach could support by offering you an alternative point of view.
  2. Coaching support can allow the client to get a chance to take responsibility and feel empowered to overcome the situation.
  3. Visualizing can help you let go of a situation. As you think and imagine a picture it has the probability of manifesting.
  4. Journaling is way to release and let go of thoughts, experiences, and beliefs that stifle your progress in life.
  5. Ask yourself this question, “What would it look like if you were to let go-rather than hold on to this (situation, person, and belief)?”

Try some of these tools to see if it supports your transition. If you are not comfortable definitely seek out a life coach or a therapist to support your transition of letting, go versus what you really need to hold on to.

(Information in this post is derived from Edda Josdottir, Professional Training Coach, Iceland)

“Healthy Living Begins with Healthy Thinking”

Joseph Briscoe

Life Coach

Tendencies with Dating and Courtship

It is the Christmas season, and this is known to be the most joyful time of year for some of us. Traveling to see family, gift giving, and celebrating one another is commonly what this time of year is known to be merry!  But this time is also when singles connect, and divorcees make love connections with new potential partners to share their lives with.

We thought it would be nice to share with our readers some tendencies of dating and courtship.  So that our readers that are deciding to love again will be more aware of the phases of social engagement based on the relationship expert, Alexis Nicole White.

The time frame of each phase is not absolute, but it does generally average about the time frame stated in this blog. So, lets just get right into it!

3-4 Months- we tend to show what we want the person to see which is called our persona. This is not who we really are under pressure and when we are grappling through stress or embarrassment. Your persona is showing people who you want them to see.  This is your representative, an icon or type of image of how you want to be viewed. By 90 days or more this behavior will begin to fade away.

5-6 Months- we tend to let our walls down and loosen up on your persona and begin to show who you are during this time period. Usually, you start really seeing your partner or friend during this time. At this point it is important to ask more questions and cross thoughts to assess what you agree and disagree with another. What is major for you and what you both can agree are minimal. In addition, you begin to decipher feelings and where you feel the relationship stands.

7-9 Months- at this point of the relationship if it makes this far; we determine if we are going to invest in the relationship. Am I going to go all out with him or her in this thing?  Or is this person wasting my time. Most of us have the signs and information we need at this amount of time when dating or courting someone. We tend to ignore what we see or fail to pay attention to what people tell us about themselves. Due to our emotional pain, lack of love and attention, and or stubbornness to what we think we see in others.

This causes many of us to miss this phase which allows you to choose.  You choose to settle in the moment for what you really don’t want. Or long suffer a little and keep your standard so that inevitably you attract the partner you really want and have been wanting to connect with. Most of us will not admit it but most of us don’t know how to pick a partner.  Its OK to use your parents, friends, and at times extended family or co-workers you trust.  Usually another lens in your life can see things quicker and differently than you do.  If your natural supports are overall emotionally healthy and you trust them why not listen to them about what they see in your potential partner or mate?

 

“Healthy Living Begins with Healthy Thinking”

Joseph Briscoe

Life Coach

How to Know When to Break-Up

In general, most of us love relationships and enjoy the act of meeting someone and growing to know each other to the place where it elevates to love. We watch movies, read books, read blogs and materials that help us attract and preserve our relationships. This experience is important to us and is a part of us because we are human.  Relationships and interaction are a serious part of our nature.

However, we seem to let the emotional piece of relationships blind us and keep us from benefiting from healthy and satisfying relationships. We stay in it thinking and hoping things will change or more importantly that person we are in relationship in will some how change. Not!!! There is something in us that is hopeful and determined to see the picture we have in our heads about love and what it should look like in each of our lives.

Sometimes this can only come in our lives when we learn to let go.  That person you are so in love with just may not be good for you even though you love them. Relationships will have challenges which are meant to grow character and expand compatibility. However, when you are stressed, depressed, insecure, and have other negative experiences that routinely keep you from growing as a person. It is time to consider some other options.  So, in this post today we are going to share some signs or red flags that prompt transitioning out of your current relationship.

  • Getting into the relationship for the wrong reasons happens when you really don’t know why or can explain the reason you are spending time with that person. This is a sign of inward issues you maybe hiding behind this person.
  • Lack of identity and self-assurance as an individual is significant. Co-dependent relationship is not healthy. They breed dysfunction and keep individuals from having their own likes, interest, and self-expression.
  • Become lost in roles happens over time when couples, wives, and husbands forget over the years what brought them together. This is when the individuals in the relationship feel unappreciated and are in the relationship but feel like they are alone.
  • Not having a shared vision for success which really is best to address before the relationship gets serious. Definitely before marriage the topics of house hold, chores, and child discipline are just examples of the breakdown in shared vision when couples don’t properly discuss early on in the relationship.
  • Intimacy disappears usually after a period of time when dating or being married for some time. Men generally need sexual receptivity to feel romantic and women on the other hand generally need romance to be sexually receptive.

These are all just a few signs after discussion, coaching, and therapy. If these issues are not corrected or improved, it might be time to make some serious decisions. There are five more signs we will discuss on the next blog post.

 

(This information has come from an assessment of the cases we have noticed in our practice. Coaches Corner does not promote divorce. Consequently, we are advocates for healthy living which eventually breeds healthy thinking)

“Healthy Living Begins with Healthy Thinking”

Joseph Briscoe

Top 10 Most Common Reasons for Break-Up

During the holiday season it’s a time of giving and spending time with the ones we love and care about.  We travel to different areas to connect with those that mean a lot to us.  During this time of year some couples just meet and start new relationships hoping things will go well and better than their last relationship. For others in relationships there are a variety of things leading couples to knock at the door of break-up. In this blog the Coaches Corner would like to raise awareness and inform our readers of the ten most common reasons for break-up. Hopefully, as a reader you will not keep this to yourself but also pass this one on to others. In the effort to help others see what causes break-ups and avoid these ten causes of break-up so others will not be the next statistic.

  1. Physical and or metal abuse: this is when an individual has a sadistic attitude by manipulating, intimidating, and overall controlling behavior towards their spouse or partner.
  2. Attraction towards another of the opposite gender: this happens due to not enough quality time, chronic communication gaps, and or open to connect with others because there has not been enough invested initially in the relationship by either person.
  3. Cheating or Infidelity: to have fondness of and with someone else that is outside of your original relationship.
  4. Constant humiliation before others: which is having a partner that is less empathetic towards their partner for example; “Without me you would be nothing” this person has an attitude that makes their partner or spouse feel inferior.
  5. Constant nagging: Is an attitude that imposes on the partner to be at their beckoning call. The expectation of their partner to adjust to their standards. This is done with no concern or respect for their partner or spouse’s feelings. In additions, this person does a lot of fault finding, scolding, criticizing, complaints, and delivers frequent sarcastic remarks.
  6. Jealousy in a relationship: In this case the partner or spouse struggles bad with their lover giving others attention even if it is work related. This person usually is projecting a great deal of insecurity they have not dealt with and project this onto their partner.
  7. Repeated lying: this is when a spouse or partner habitually lies to the other and the picture or communication is never really clear.
  8. Frequent and consistent arguments and quarrels: Where both people want things their way and neither person yields.
  9. Love for money more than Love for the partner: Which is when one person in the relationship does not equally share the money or finances with their partner or spouse. One cares to the point of stressing depts and bills where the other person is not as stress. But this tension over time can really put strain on the relationship.
  10. Repeated comparison of others: This is when your spouse compares you to someone else or others. If you are the wife, he compares you to other women and if you are a man, she compares you to other men. Either way this really attacks the confidence a spouse should have in their partner or spouse. Over time this becomes a major problem.

 

If you are experiencing one or more of these issues in your relationship you should be aware that it is only a matter of time before one of you will get seriously fed up. Get some help from a friend or coach, even a therapist could provide some serious support regarding any of these issues. Just don’t do nothing because that is a waist of both person’s time to sit and not do anything to better yourself for the sake of the relationship.  Sometimes if you are not ready to make changes to meet the needs of the relationship; if you care for the person let them go and use that time to really work on yourself for yourself so you will be ready for the next relationship that comes your way.

(This information has come from an assessment of the cases we have noticed in our practice)

“Healthy Living Begins with Healthy Thinking”

Joseph Briscoe

Life Coach

The Uninvolved Parent

Have you notice with your parenting style that you may just allow your child to learn as they go. Others say, “Children need to explore or learn on their own”.  Others who study this like Amy Morin a License Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) wrote an article that calls this parenting style Uninvolved, (2018).  This style of is parenting is defined as a parent that provides little guidance, nurturing, and attention.

Parents that are uninvolved tend to give their children a lot of liberty and pretty much stay out to their child’s way. At times this is due to parents not knowing what to do, or just less interested in parenting, and or they have decided to parent this way. When was the last time you have asked your child where they have been after coming from outside? Do you ask about your child’s academic progress? Do you spend much time with your child? If you are not able to really answer these questions, then you might be an uninvolved parent.

Morin says that uninvolved parents often expect their children to learn on their own and raise themselves (2018). When it comes to meeting the child’s basic needs, the uninvolved parent does not devote much time into meeting their children’s basic needs. Which begins with communication and with this parenting style, it is limited.  Uninvolved parents do not engage in much conversation and interaction with their kids.  They are usually mentally distracted and focused on other matters pertaining to themselves.

There is often very little nurturing with children of uninvolved parents because they don’t know how to connect with their children. They honestly do not have the tools and skills to truly develop the relationship needed to meet their child’s emotional, social, and developmental needs.  With this parenting style there is very little expectation from their children. It is a very reactive style of parenting versus pro-active. Guidance is a way to help your child become aware of certain situations that may not be good for them. At times this can prevent the child from making the same mistakes. An uninvolved parent would not implement guidance, so the child will explore without any awareness of the consequences and the parent will then respond to the action and the result of it.  Versus, sitting their child down and talking with them about expectations that could keep them from making that mistake again.

Uninvolved parents are not always purposefully being neglectful.  Some of these parents could be dealing with a variety of ailments (e.g. disability, mental disorders, or even substance abuse).  These variables can play a large reason as to why the parent may have difficulty meeting their child’s basic needs consistently.  When it comes down to it with factors like work, paying bills, and managing a household; uninvolved parents are just overwhelmed. They do not know how to manage it all and raise their kids in a balance and consistent way that benefits the family. Unfortunately, kids that are raised in this type of environment are prone to struggle with self-esteem issues. Children of uninvolved parents tend to have difficulty with their academic performance in school which is coupled with behavior problems (i.e. acting out or socially isolated).

After reading this blog, if you think you might be an uninvolved parent it is important to get support. Talking with the school for academic support for your child is one way. Getting a life coach or therapist to work through some personal development to better deal with the baggage that gets in the way of living healthy.  Personal development with a coach or therapist will help with self-discovery and support inner resolve which can help the uninvolved parent gain some tools to improve their parenting style.

 

(www.verywellfamily.com and www.brighthorizons.com, 2018)

“Healthy Living Begins with Healthy Thinking”

Joseph Briscoe

Life Coach

Permissive or Indulgent Parenting Style

Now let’s look at the Permissive or Indulgent parenting style. This parenting style is the polar- opposite of our last style discussed in the previous blog post, Authoritarian or Disciplinarian parenting style.  Parents who raise their children with a permissive or indulgent style sometimes do not even notice that they let their children do what they want until they reach adolescent years and feel out of control with their children. Most of the time these parents offer very limited guidance or direction when raising their children.  They appear to be more like friends with their children than being their kids’ actual parents.

According to Bright Horizons family resources, permissive parenting style of discipline is the opposite of strict. Most parents who function with this style of parenting have limited rules. The issue with this parenting style is that is does not teach the child boundaries (i.e. standards, morals, and manners) which will cause issues with other children and adults due to a lack of the parents teaching these social skills and cues to their children.  This parenting style can breed rudeness, disrespect, and a lack of consideration to others simply because this environment will not expose the child to the word, no.

For example, if a child with this parenting style plays with another child that is raised by authoritarian parents then that child knows to ask for permission before playing with someone else’s toy.  However, the permissive parented child meets this authoritative child and attempts to take the toy from the other child because he/she has not been taught boundaries, so they feel free to take because they are raised in an environment where they do not hear the word, no. The authoritative child has heard no and fights to hold the toy because they know you should ask to play first before you take something. This is the classic child meets child over toy scenario.

One positive to this parenting style is the communication from parent to child is very open. Meaning the parents are like friends so, they are an open book to their kids and are willing to hear from their children as well. Consequently, with that openness the parents let their children decide for themselves rather than provide direction.  Essentially, these parents really believe it is ok to let their children figure problems out on their own.  Therefore, expectations are typically minimal or often not set by parents who operate under this type of parenting style.  Openness is good to a degree because is allows your kids to feel safe to talk to you and ask questions. However, if parents are not careful you can expose your kids to inappropriate age information they are just not ready to process yet.  This can give them false since of maturity without establishing parent to child boundaries.

An illustration of this is when adults are having a conversation and a child comes over and stands there in the mist of the conversation. Both adults then give an awkward look and then glance at the child then sees if someone is going to advise the child to go play or remove themselves because both adults are aware the content is not appropriate for the child’s ears. However, the child has sat before their parents and could listen to them talk about other people and their issues, so the child has a since privilege to stand before adults and listen because their parents allow them to.  This behavior without proper correction can be a problem. Since kids are not aware about discretion they can share conversations without thinking at school, with other friends, and in the neighborhood unless they are taught not to do so.

Lastly, one more positive about this parenting style is that parents in this category naturally display warm and nurturing affection towards their children which is an important element to social development and maturation for children.  The issue is it is not balanced with a fair level of parental guidance and correction which over time could create a loving child but a socially award and difficult person to deal with in later years all because as parents they could not say, no.

(www.brighthorizons.com, family resource, 2018)

“Healthy Living Begins with Healthy Thinking”

Joseph Briscoe

Life Coach